Nobody likes to do work. It’s a fact.
Unfortunately we need to work to earn a paycheck so we can waste the money on things like booze, pizza, video games, and impulse online purchases. (Who DOESN’T need a shark cave for their cat?)
If you can master the art of showing up to work, and never ACTUALLY doing any work, you’re essentially living the dream. That’s the ultimate goal, because at that point – you’re making money for doing nothing. This is also known as #KardashianLife.
The trouble with this, is that you need to LOOK like you’re doing work, so you don’t get fired and replaced with some cardigan wearing, front row sitting, eager, do gooder who’s willing to work twice as hard for the half the pay.
So – here’s my “Top Top 3 Ways To Look Busy At Work When You’re Really Not”
1) Holding Papers: Never underestimate the power of a good messy stack of papers. Fill your desk with them. Doesn’t even matter what they are. Print out every damn email in your inbox and scatter them all into separate piles of your desk. Then – make sure that you NEVER are seen ANYWHERE without at least 5 sheets of paper that have pen marks scribbled AROUND the typed printed portion. What do you write? Doesn’t even matter. Could be a recipe for chicken soup. No one is ever going to read it. Just carry it around, and add some marks to it during meetings.
BONUS POINTS – when you see someone approaching you (and this is why you NEVER go anywhere without at least 5 sheets) look down at the papers in your hand, furrow your brow and start sorting through like you’re looking for something. You’ll look so busy, they won’t even make eye contact with you.
2) Exasperated Sighing: People who are busy are often stressed. This is why you need to constantly look like you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown. Not only will this make people think you’re super busy, but it will scare them away from giving you more work or trying to learn about your life. Every couple minutes, after looking at the papers mentioned in number 1 above, take a deep sigh and even roll your eyes a little bit. Act like you are on your last nerve and furrow your brow a bit. Subtle head shakes work too. If you can pull this off well enough, there’s even a small chance the boss will let you leave early because they’re concerned about your stress level.
3) Walking Fast: When you take a casual stroll or saunter the halls while making small talk, you’re letting the work know you’re got free time to spare. This is a no-no. Wherever you go – to the elevator, to your desk, to the washroom, to a meeting – always make sure you’re walking fast. This gives off the image of someone who is on their way to put out a fire somewhere. This is someone who has so much to do, they can’t even be bothered to waste a second. Soon – people will be jumping out of your way from fear that they don’t even understand.
There you go. How to look busy at work when you’re really not. If you want to go the extra mile, update your Facebook and Twitters to make vague statements about stress, long days, and working late – even when you’re not.
Now – print this out, look at it while sighing, and walking quickly through the halls.
On Twitter/Instagram/Spapchat: @MeredithGeddes